Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Who I am will take the second chance You gave me.

DRAFT: 

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'Cause I don't want you to know where I am
'Cause then You'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try to live my life...

Stop right there. That's exactly exactly where I lost it.
See that line? Well, I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said that,
That it's the very moment that 
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talked to absolutely no one,
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled up inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps,
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together, 
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life...

Who I am hates who I've been.
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'Cause who I've been never only made me...
So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been. 

~~~~~~~~~~

I have spent some time lately thinking over the past two years, and I'm realizing I really do hate who I have been. I was weak and so quickly threw away my focus on my master's heart for a temporary and deceitful story that sounded good to me. Now, however, I feel like I'm finding myself and who God wants me to be more and more each day and I just can't let that happen again. I've learned that a wolf really can hide in sheep's clothing and tempt us with beautiful things, nice stories, and so many distractions that our distractions get exactly what they want: all of our attention. And we begin to follow after their call for control of our thoughts and hearts only to wake up one day shaken, alone, deserted, and lost. Realizing that we wish we could do ANYTHING just to take it all back and to not have believed lies that brought us to this realization that we surrendered the control of our hearts, whether forcibly taken or carelessly given, to something that will not, doesn't want to be, and never can be what is best for us. 

BUT that being said, I'm almost glad I we can't take things in the past "back". The Prodigal Son had to leave home to learn a lesson and gain an understanding he never would have had he never rebelled and left. So, despite our tries, failures, and misgivings, God always wants us back and will always love us, but I'm glad He isn't unwilling to let us learn. As fragile as our hearts are, they do recover from trauma, and while scarred, I can't help but feel like God uses those experiences to shape us in a way we never would have been had we never turned from Him. 


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