Saturday, February 28, 2009

I'm Still Waiting For You To Be The One I'm Waiting For

I think for the first time in my life I'm content to be single. I'm realizing God has something awesome in store for me, but that I need to have some patience in the meantime. However, after talking to a lot of people/mostly girls lately, I'm realizing it's not a bad thing to be aware of the type of guy I would (God willing) want to marry someday. 

So if I could make a  list... or a recipe, rather, I think this would be the man I want to marry, but not in this order.

  • Blonde Hair
  • Blue Eyes (my weakness haha)
  • Tall
  • Has nice hands (weird... I know) 
  • Friendly
  • Good sense of humor/can be goofy, but knows when to bring it in
  • Intelligent 
  • Loyal!
  • Affectionate, but knows when/where to stop
  • Has a heart for the lonely/hurting
  • Musical (preferably sings and plays guitar or piano) 
  • Someone who is slow to anger 
  • Encourages me in my walk with God as I do him
  • Has a tremendous amount of compassion and isn't judgmental
  • Has integrity and character
  • Is my absolute best friend
  • Someone who follows through/a man of his word
  • Can identify and is aware of his weaknesses
  • Respects me 
  • Respects himself
  • Loves kids
  • Is gentle 
  • Romantic but realizes the value of everyday love more than the little things
  • Has overcome very difficult situations in the past (I know this sounds bad, but I think it builds character)
  • Knows what it is to love (I think this is the most rare of all) 
  • Most importantly though, he has an understanding of life and the love/grace of Jesus Christ so much so that it overflows into everything he does, is, is not, and will be. 
At the end of the day, I just want someone to cherish and someone to cherish me, but I hope this is a close picture of the person I marry someday... again, God willing. 

I want to marry a man who loves God more than he'll ever love me and who is secure with me loving God more than I love him (I think that's were so many of us go wrong). I know I've jokingly, and not so jokingly, said I never want to get married. But that isn't true. I do. However, I only want to marry the person who I know I can serve God better together with than without him. Lord help me to continue to be patient! 

I'm still waiting for you to be the one I'm waiting for... 

Tattoo

I have decided to get a tattoo! I'm getting a sparrow on my left foot. It's going to be small and just black, but what it symbolizes means a lot to me.

First and foremost, the Bible uses the sparrow repeatedly to discuss God's love for us. God knows and cares for each of the sparrows he creates, but how much more does our Father love us? It's no secret I've struggled in the past with feelings of worthlessness and I feel like it will be a constant reminder to me of my Father's love for me and my worth because I am loved by him.

Secondly, but no less important, the sparrow symbolizes freedom... and I feel like I've been set free from so much in my life and it's my greatest fear that I would fall into a situation that would put me back in those bonds and not be strong enough to get out. I feel like a visual reminder of my freedom in Christ and because of Him is going to be helpful to me in the future to remember who I was and how wonderful it feels to be free from that girl.

I'll post a picture as soon as I get it! 
Yay! I'm excited! 

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Let it go

"We're so scared to find out,
What this life is all about,
So scared we're gonna lose it,
When knowing all along... it's exactly what we need." 

In losing everything,

I found my life.

And life is good, bad, and truly beautiful. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Two things you've told me

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let your kingdom come
In my world and in my life
You give me the food I need
To love through the day
And forgive me as I forgive 
The people that wronged me
Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window 
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
I look at the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl 
On her wedding day

So WHY do I worry?
WHY do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need

Your love is STRONG
Your love is STRONG
Your love is STRONG

The kingdom and the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town
The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Will you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found?

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

YOUR LOVE IS STRONG

Our God in heaven
Hallowed be 
Thy name above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us wicked sinners
Lead us far away from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons
- Jon Foreman

I feel like God is waking something in me I didn't even know that was asleep. I'm so thankful for His Grace and goodness... because losing everything I ever held dear has brought me so much closer to him than I ever realized I could be. I always thought I was the "good Christian girl," but I'm realizing I'm not and never was. I'm His child and I will always need Him. I just hope that I will continue to die as He grows in me. There is nothing in me that is strong or right, but in Him I am alive. I'm finding my strength IS Him and in His love/presence.  I'm finding with ever devastating loss, something I wanted to keep dies, but something much more beautiful grows back. 

Friday, February 6, 2009

When I grow up

I think I'm finally figuring out what I want to do for a career. Thankfully, I'm no longer being pushed into teaching or anything else I don't want, but with this freedom, I think I've found something I will truly love: Grant Writing. As most people know, I want help people and feel most fulfilled when doing so. Otherwise, I just feel like this life is so pointless. Anyway, I heard this song the other night on the radio and it reminded me of the first time I REALLY started to think about social unjustice and the like. So here you go. Sorry for the ramblings :) 

Boys and girls wanna hear a true story?
Saturday night I was at this real wild party,
They had the liquor overflowin' the cup,
About 5 or 6 strippers tryin to work for a buck, and I took one girl outside wit me,
Her name was Lonni, she went to Jr. High wit me,
I said, Why you up there dancin' for cash?
I guess a whole alots changed since I see you last
And she said,

What would you do if your son was at home,
Cryin' all alone on the bedroom floor
Cuz he's hungry, and the only way to feed him
Is to sleep with a man for a 
Little bit of money and his daddy's gone,
Somewhere smokin' rock now, 
In and out of lock down,
I ain't got a job now,
So for you this is just a good time, 
But for me this is what I call life.

Girl you ain't the only one wit a baby 
That's no excuse to be livin' all crazy,
Then she looked me right square in the eye
And said every day I wake up hopin' to die,
She said, "N***a I konw about pain cuz
Me and my sister ran away so my daddy couldn't rpae us,
Before I was a teenager I been through more shit,
That you can't even relate to

What would you do if your son was at home,
Crying all alone on the bedroom floor
Cuz he's hungry, and the only way to feed him
Is to sleep with a man for a 
Little bit of money and his daddy's gone
Somewhere smokin' rock now
In and out of lock down
I an't got a job now,
So for you this is just one night, but for me this is
My whole life.

What would you do?
Get up on my feet and let go of every excuse
What would you do?
Cuz I wouldn't want my baby to go through what I went through
What would you do?
Get up on my feet and stop makin' up tired excuses
What would you do?
Girl I know if my mother can do it baby you can do it.

What would you do if your son was at home,
Cryin' all alone on the bedroom floor
Cuz he's hungry, and the only way to feed him
Is to sleep with a man for a 
Little bit of money and his daddy's gone,
Somewhere smokin' rock now,
In and out of lock down,
I ain't got a job now,
So for you this is just a good time, but fore me this is what I call life.

-City High 

---

And so I guess it's things like that, where people just need a little bit of help to get started on the road to who they are capable of being, that make me want to do whatever I can to "help." 


And Now I Alone

Me, Myself, and I used to fly, beautiful and  free through the clouds,
So far above the rest, 
I always said those were the good old days. 
And they were.

However, one day while dancing in the sky,
I saw something change Myself. 
I watched a silver bullet pierce the skin,
I listened to Myself claim it was Cupid's arrow.

I watched Myself fall with grace and a look of joy,
But I could tell... that wasn't joy, but death.
I watched Myself land in his hands, with a sudden thud.
I felt the excruciating pain of seeing Myself dead... or "in love."

He showed off his prize to his friends,
With a toothy grin he knew he had won.
And just as I expected, when he was ready for more,
He took Me away also. 

A part of Me saw what happened to Myself, but had no idea what to do, 
and soon followed, blissfully unaware and died with Myself. 
I knew that the only way to live was to flee fast and far.
And now I alone am safe. 
And now I alone am free to experience the world.
And now I alone know that at the heart of every man is a hunter.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

poor old soul

I think when all is said and done, this song perfectly captures how I feel about Adam:

"Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition; kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror; you're turning into something you are not.

Don't leave my high, don't leave me dry.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.

Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk. 
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love.
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.

It's the best thing that you've ever had it's the best thing you've ever, ever had.
It's the best thing you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry.
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry. 

Monday, February 2, 2009