Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Step 2

So as bipolar as this sounds from my last blog, I feel really good today. Despite the horribly gloomy weather, I feel like a beam of sunshine is shining on me. I've wrestled with God a lot lately and I guess I have the tendency to think that nobody else does anything wrong. I think when people treat me like shit and act like... well you know... that it is MY fault. But no... that isn't always true. I find a way to say I deserve it and forgive others just so I can be a "good Christian girl".  

And the nice thing is despite any change in mood--due to sleep deprivation or whatever--I have always felt joyful throughout this whole process (not to say that it is completely over). God has taken me too far to leave me now. I know that. I'd be stupid and utterly ignorant to forget His faithfulness. I am thankful that I've been able to be honest with God, myself, and others this time around instead of trying my best to be happy. And being a good Christian girl is one thing, but true forgiveness despite being able to see people for their faults is another. 

It's so funny. Sometimes when you feel like this is the end and you can't take it anymore, something happens to make you aware that you're in a better place than you used to be--in different and wonderful capacities. 

Today I was feeling a bit numb and indifferent and then after something (very small) happened, I realized the following:

No, I'm not in a coffin. I got burned by someone who chose to act in a 

God did not forget me. People are sinners and we treat each other like crap, but that doesn't mean God has forgotten or is okay with that treatment. 

I deserve better than what I had. I REALLY do... shockingly so... 

The end. 

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